Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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