The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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