Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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