i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
