ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Randomize
