when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
These tits shall not be calmed
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
