It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
