dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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