Your face is a jimmy john
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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