Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
