Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize