Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
