that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
