I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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