If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
