sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Randomize
