omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
