True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize