If that was your dad, he is hot
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
