You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
