I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
