That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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