Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
