I like to think it a success when the cops are called
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
