Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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