literally had 100 drinks last night.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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