No stitches, just platelets and will power
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
