if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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