I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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