i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
