I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you traded sex for a burrito?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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