im about as happy as oj after his trial
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
