Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
