Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my sisters under your porch take her home
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
