I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
