I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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