the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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