It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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