Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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