If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
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