he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We are all done wearing pants today
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize