Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
