he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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