I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So squirting runs in the family.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
