Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
