my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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