someone threw a dead crab at me
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
