highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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