I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
