life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
