You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
