Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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