Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
