I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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