i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
