:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
