I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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