it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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