Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize