If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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