I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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