Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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