you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize