Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
